Opinions
When Kids’ Hearts May Be Broken
My best friend coaches three volleyball teams, from grade schoolers to college students. In one of her emails, she related to me her dilemma over choosing players for the grade school team, knowing full well that her decisions will mean heart break for some of these young aspiring athletes.
She is my best friend for nothing as she is open to any unsolicited advice or opinion that I give. The following is what I wrote back to her in response to her concern:
“I can understand your dilemma, my friend, especially since you’re dealing with very young children whose spirits can be broken. One way of looking at it is as an answer to the question: What is the main objective of the school in having a grade school volleyball team in the first place? Is it to have it win championships? Then the players should be chosen based on how they can contribute to the team’s chances of winning so as to bring honor to the alma mater, generate school pride among the students, etc. So if the players from lower grades are taller, have the potential to be developed, i.e. better qualified, then they should be considered for the team. BUT, if the objective is to develop the children as team players, mold them into leaders, develop qualities like determination, sportsmanship, friendships, etc. then that’s a different story. I know that as the coach you have to balance both. In any case, young hearts will be disappointed and this is actually a learning experience for them…that you may not always be chosen, not because you didn’t try hard enough or that you were bad but because someone was better…that you may not always win, so you have to learn how to lose.
For parents, we always want our best for our children, and so we try to make them win all the time. Sometimes it’s actually our own desires that we project on our kids; thus, the “stage mother”. But, life is not always about being chosen or being the first or being a winner. All these are “character building” opportunities, for the child as well as for the parent. As a parent, I savored the moments when my child came to me, crying because she lost in the elections, or her team lost or his heart was broken because of a girl. Those were the moments we bonded and when I gave my best advice.”
This reminds me of the time when one of my sons came to me about his desire to get back into a relationship with his former girlfriend after a messy break-up. I wanted him to understand that it may be too soon to have a relationship as trust had been broken and there were major issues still that had to be resolved between them. Then, it seemed like a light bulb went on on top of my head, just like in the cartoons. I reached for the leche flan that I was eating and said, “Darling, remember the first time I made leche flan in our new oven? I wasn’t sure about the temperatures yet. So when I saw that it was getting brown on top, I told you to take the pan out of the oven. We thought it was cooked but when we turned the pan over to remove the leche flan, the flan was not yet firm. It’s the same with having a relationship at this time. You might think that it’s the right time but then again your relationship may not be as firm as you would want it to be until you first thresh out the issues.” And his face lighted up in acknowledgment to the wisdom which was in the leche flan!
Aside from giving them great advice, as parents we sometimes just have to be there for our kids when they are going through their heartbreak. Another son sobbed on my shoulder when his special girl left for another country. I didn’t have to say anything. I just stood there with my arms around him in a tight embrace, crying along with him over hiss loss. No words needed to be said.
Our kids will have to go through their own challenges. They will have to have their hearts broken by loves lost. Their spirits will have to be dejected when things don’t go their way, even though they’ve worked so hard for it. They will have to lose before they can win. They will have to be rejected before they will be accepted. They will have to learn to take risks before they can succeed. All through these challenging times, we just have to be there to give them advice if they need it, just hug them when they don’t, and help them pick up the pieces and make their hearts whole again.
