Opinions
Source of Security
During my first year of marriage, Raynie asked me the deadliest question spouses could ask one another: “Why do you love me?”
Now, I know that many of you think this question is sweet or cute or harmless. But I assure you, this can be a trap for any person’s insecurities. So before I tell you my answer, let me talk about why this question can be dangerous.
So many people judge themselves using worldly standards. That means they look at the mirror and assess themselves according to their looks, their accomplishments, their fashion, their intelligence, or even their social circles. That’s how the world judges.
When it comes to relationships, this becomes the standard by which people judge themselves and one another. I know it can happen to both men and women since both put their hearts on the line when they get to know one another. The man risks getting rejected while the woman risks feeling unwanted. So let’s ask the question again: WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?
When a girl asks that question to a guy, she is usually looking for security. For a christian girl to ask that from a christian guy? Oh, that’s a relational death trap. Here’s where the cycle of insecurity comes in.
Girls tend to think:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not kind enough.”
“I’m not pretty enough.”
“I’m not smart enough.”
“I’m not intelligent enough.”
“I’m not successful enough.”
“I’m not sweet enough.”
“I’m not sporty enough.”
“I’m not sexy enough.”
“I’m not independent enough.”
“I’m not strong enough.”
“I’m not feminine enough.”
And guess what. At some point in your life, one or more of these statements will be true. There will ALWAYS be someone smarter, richer, prettier, funnier, sexier, stronger, kinder, etc…
When you compare yourself to others, you will ALWAYS lose. When you use the world’s standards to evaluate your desirability, you will always lose. When you use the world’s standards to find security, you will always lose. AND WHEN YOU ASK THE OPPOSITE SEX THIS QUESTION, and expect him or her to evaluate you based on worldly standards, you will BOTH lose.
Take at look at this cycle:
1- Why do you like me? (the girl is using worldly standards)
2- The guy thinks she’s pretty (the girl got her wish and got judged by worldly standards)
3- Someone prettier comes along (the girl loses and feels insecure)
4- She then gets angry at the guy (she blames him for using worldly standards to judge her)
5- She then looks for a guy who has lower standards, or improves herself to fit that standard
6- Repeat step 1
AND THIS GOES FOR MEN AS WELL AS WOMEN!
The solution? Stop judging yourself and evaluating yourself using worldly standards. Instead, judge yourself based on the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. You are valuable not because you’re rich or funny or successful, BUT BECAUSE THE GOD WHO CREATED THE UNIVERSE DEEMED YOU VALUABLE ENOUGH TO BEAR THE CROSS OF CALVARY. We are sinners, deserving of wrath, yet received grace from God when we repent of our sins! How does that change things when it comes to our relationships? Well, for starters, we realize that we do not and will never deserve a spouse. We will never deserve receiving another human being as a gift, to love us despite our sinfulness. AND YET GOD BECAME MAN TO LOVE US AS ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. The result is humility. Not pride. We won’t feel that we deserve to be loved, and yet will receive love with a humble and grateful heart!
Secondly, because our value and security is in Christ and His cross, we won’t feel threatened that others are richer, smarter, funnier, and etc because every other person is just a richer sinner, a funnier sinner, a prettier sinner, a more successful sinner… and when we see this, the playing field is leveled for everyone. We are all in need of grace. We are all the same. And in that sense, there’s no need for competition.
So please, don’t settle for a guy or a girl who loves you based on worldly standards. You might think it would be better than being lonely, but trust me. Marrying a guy or a girl for the wrong reasons will only INCREASE your loneliness. Why? Because you won’t be with a guy or girl married to you. Not really. Instead, you’ll be with a guy who is married to your face, or your bank account, or your sex appeal, or your wits, or whatever it is that he married you for.
Don’t judge or evaluate yourself using worldly standards, and don’t ever allow others to do so. Rather, base everything on Christ’s Cross. And be with someone who wants to be with you for the right reasons. But what are the right reasons? Well, let me answer the question my wife asked me: Why do you love me?
My answer?
“Because God placed a love in my heart for you.”
“Because I see Christ being formed in you.”
“Because I see Christ being formed in me through you.”
