Can Cheating in a Relationship be Justified?

What do Anne Curtis, Bea Alonzo and Maja Salvador have in common is not only their superstar status and thespian talent in both the big screen and the small screen but also their affinity towards the role of the mistress, the other woman, the querida or the ‘illegal’ wife. What makes Iya Mendoza — Who is she? You might ask. — different from them is the former’s reversal of the role of the woman as the one who takes another man, a querido, or another boyfriend.

The buzz and fuss about a certain seaman being cheated on by his girlfriend raise a lot of questions on morality, particularly on whether or not there can ever be an excuse or an explanation for such a transgression. If a twinkle of an eye, a text message beyond 10 p.m., a smooch that lasts for 10 minutes, or even a fantasy of a ménage a trois with a neighbor (Remember the 10th Commandment!) would qualify as a form of cheating, then these are not within our agenda.

Absolutely, cheating is wrong. However, there may be times when the need to cheat prevails over guilt and sin. Some may find cheating as the only means for them to survive. We should rethink the strongest instinct that is survival and not sex.

Unhappy and maltreated spouses may find solace and healing if they seek for another partner. A hungry child may steal food in the neighborhood due to a parent who has forgotten the responsibility of providing food for her children. And a partner may be forced to have sex with another just because the other partner does not have the time.

Here, we see that infidelity is one of the underrated coping mechanisms that even psychologists may consider taboo.

In the many areas of the government, in sports, in the church and in school, cheating is never allowed and is never condoned. Or so I thought! Especially in a committed relationship, no amount of justification can ever expunge the offense called cheating. Again, or so I thought! Cheating is never justifiable. Wait, let’s think again!

Did not a former president and convicted plunderer rank second in the 2010 presidential elections? Is the number of votes not enough as an absolution of his graft and corruption? In the world of sports, we heard of athletes and Olympians who were culpable of taking performance-enhancing drugs before or during competitions.

By not stripping off them the honor and banning them in sports for life, are we not standing by them in deception?

There are innumerable priests in the Catholic hierarchy as well as those religious leaders and pastors whose lavish lifestyles do not reflect their vows of poverty and promise of imitating the life of Christ: simple, austere and sacrificing/sacrificial.

We know of priests who have been found guilty of sexual relations and predations. Yet, we still listen to their sermons and take the ‘body of Christ’ through their supposedly un-corrupted hand. Do we not condone, more so, promote their betrayal of the people’s trust?

In school, most teachers know that a great deal of academic papers submitted to them is plagiarized. Yet, they still accept and mark them in the pretext of humanitarian considerations: effort, time and money have been exhausted and it is okay to commit mistakes for students to learn. Is it not, in one way or another, an utter tolerance on scholastic dishonesty and intellectual theft?

These overwhelming questions brought me to the salvage of highly opinionated friends, who could replace me in this job by presenting better arguments than I have. Thank goodness, they dared to agree or disagree with me generously and courageously. Let us examine their viewpoints so we can perfectly frame our respective answers to the question above.

Herge A. Regner (Seaman): “Cheating in a relationship can never be justifiable. Nowadays, the trend about the seaman being the chick-magnet is nearly gone. It is different now because the girls left behind are the ones who enjoy lots of money and lots of guys.

Although not all girls are like that but some are doing that. The absence of their seaman partner makes them seek intimacy from other men. They are only lucky if their partner won’t find out.

So to my fellow seafarers: get to know your partner carefully before moving on to the next level and when you are already on that level, maintain that spark even if you are million miles apart. As long as both of you understand and really love each other, there’s no reason for a partner to cheat.”

Victoria Aznar (Marketing Specialist): “Cheating in a relationship can never be justified regardless of the various influencing factors that people often blame. Boredom, loneliness, unfulfillment etc. are a few of the excuses cheaters try and use as leverage for cheating but they never blame themselves or take control of the situation. I don’t think things should ever be complicated. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, get out of it. If you want to meet someone new, don’t have a girlfriend waiting for you to get home. Keep things simple and find your happiness without compromising others.”

Jose Marie Dela Torre (Professor): “I had the same sex with my ex-girlfriend for 3 years and I found nothing exciting about it anymore. Polygamy is human nature: We want something we do not have. Being in a relationship is more like fine dining, you open the menu and order what you think you want, only to realize that when it’s already served, you like what the other table ordered. The urge to cheat is within us, controlling it is just a dictate of society.”

Jabir Idris Umar (Foreign Student): “Cheating is a subconscious will. It comes from the distance between couples, misunderstanding, lack of true love, or feeling your partner is not giving you enough, or she took you for granted. It comes from getting less than what is expected in a relationship, including sexual, physical appearance and materials. There is also insecurity. All these are not justification but merely the reasons that drive an individual to think about cheating. Cheating comes either from being unhappy with your current situation or a wild sexual urge that cannot be satisfied by one person, making that individual to want more.”

Melissa Cipres (Veterinarian): “Cheating in any context, shape or form is never ok; more so, if a committed relationship is involved. It’s not ok because when someone lets you in, it’s not just their heart. They’re giving you permission to be in their mind, their soul, their entire being, the chamber of secrets they only show to a distinct few, their trust. When you cheat, you betray them; not only destroying your relationship but also destroying a person’s ability to ever really trust someone again. There’s a reason why the deepest pits of hell in Dante’s Inferno is reserved for traitors.”

Charica Roche (Cebuana writer based in New Zealand): “People cheat on their significant others for various reasons. Whatever that reason is, it can and will never be justified. Cheating is cheating, no matter what the circumstances or how it led to that. Cheating is a grave breach of trust between two people, even when there’s no written contract that’s signed between them. In this case, it’s up to the individual if they want to forgive the person who cheated on them or not.” Check her opinions on other things at manxmarche.blogspot.com.

Manny C. Gumban (Municipal Tourism Officer of Carmen, Cebu): “We have a law against bigamy and concubinage that makes it illegal to indulge in these kinds of act. But is it unlawful to cheat in a relationship? Maybe not, as long as you are not caught. In a recent U.S. survey, 90% of men cheat on their partners at one time in their lives. Perhaps it is the challenge, or just for the heck of it. As long as the lust doesn’t lead to an emotional relationship, I think it’s all part of life!”

People in certain religious ethical systems adhere to a strict code of ‘No Cheating’, however, the hedonists, the moral egoists, and the amoral individuals may simply say ‘Do whatever you think is right and feels good’, and many who are torn between these two moral margins will find comfort in falling somewhere in the middle – I for one.

We learned ethics in school for us to understand and hopefully resolve moral issues, but in the end, it is wise judgment that will ensure a correct answer. We always know that there are rules. Did we forget that in every rule there can be an exception? Here is something without exception: Let us give one more way of looking at things and see the difference!