Rules of Conflict

Conflict happens. It’s inevitable. In every relationship, there will be arguments and hurt feelings. However, it’s how we engage with one another in conflict that determines the health of our communication. In today’s devotional, we want to equip you with practical guidelines as you work through disagreements in your marriage.

The first thing to keep in mind is that we should always be fighting for one another, not against each other. There’s a major difference. If you head into an argument already committed to winning your spouse and not winning the fight, you won’t lose no matter the outcome.

Practical tip: Pick your battles. If you see something that matters so much to them that it will divide you, consider if it’s worth letting go so you can hold on to their heart.

Here are just a few guidelines to protect + promote healthy conflict:

Never bring up old wounds from a forgiven past to use as a weapon in your current struggle.

If there is trauma, abuse, or brokenness from childhood; never bring it up in the middle of an argument, disagreement, or in anger.

Resist ‘name calling’ and lashing out in anger. For real though, let’s stop making excuses for our hurtful words even if we are upset or think it’s deserved. Try describing how they are making you feel without summarizing who they are.

Set boundaries for ‘trigger words’ that set your spouse off immediately. These vary in relationships based on past experience, insecurities, and values. When you are not in a disagreement, this is a good time to ask what those triggers are and make them off-limits.

If at any time in a conversation, you feel tempted to hurt yourself or others, it’s time to take a hard stop. Communicate that you need space to cool down and get out of the emotional down spiral. This is also a red flag clearly indicating that it’s time to talk to someone else (counselor, pastor, mentor) about what you are going through.

It surprises me how often we miss basic factors that impact whether conversations go well or not. Have you ever heard the phrase “hangry?” Seriously, it’s a real thing. If either one of you is hungry, over-tired, or had a stressful day; this is definitely not the right time to start up a potentially heated convo. Our physical and mental state directly affects our ability to concentrate, listen, and respond in a healthy way.

Practical tip: Practice self-control. Use discernment and choose better timing to bring up things you’re upset about or need to confront.

Daily Action Step: Write out some private boundaries to hold yourself accountable. What trigger words do you need to stay away from? Are there old wounds to guard and keep off limits in an argument? Invite your spouse to share anything that deeply affects them that maybe you weren’t aware of.

This devotional by Nicole Wiencek is available at Bible.com.