Tips For the Single Ladies

This note is in response to the blog that was shared by a friend of mine (Jenny Murillo) about ladies. I just have some random thoughts for the single ladies, from an average guy, on keeping a good relationship with their significant others. Here they are:

1. Honesty

I have to agree with the blog. Honesty is the best policy especially when it comes to dating and courtship. Sad to say, a lot of girls like to play the game. They try doing the mental shuffle over and over again, saying the things they don’t mean to guys that they DO like, in the hopes that the guy gets what they really DO mean despite saying the things that they DON’T mean in the guise of NOT being too easy to get. This is the scenario, while their guy is already lost in translation. Personally, I’m the no-nonsense type of guy when it comes to relationships. When I told my wife how I felt about her, she already felt the same way about me. Some people advised her to let me wait for a week, and sort of play the “catch me if you can game” so that she won’t seem too easy. What she did NOT know was that IF she had played that “game” with me, I would have automatically been turned off and have walked away. I don’t know about you, but the average guy does NOT like being lied to, manipulated, and played for a fool. Would you rather the guy you like actually gets you (even if it seemed too easy) or would you rather that the guy thought it better for himself to get away from you because you were dishonest? No good and decent man (and I say MAN, not boy) appreciates a dishonest woman.

 2. Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

Most ladies when in the courtship dating stage, usually develop a liking to telepaths. This means, they say things when they actually mean the opposite, and they want the guy to read their mind. Mind you, only Professor X and Dr. Hamilton can do that! The former is bald and paralyzed, and leads a bunch of mutants while the latter is an evil villain who wants to rule the world! Ladies, we are not mind readers! I know, women feel more connected and loved and get all mushy when the guy actually reads their minds OCCASIONALLY. However, don’t expect him to be a psychic for you all the time. This leads to MASSIVE stress and the inevitable break up. Ladies, when you say “he doesn’t understand me”, ask yourself this: Are you being understandable? With us guys, we do the best we can to please our ladies (c’mon, it makes us happy and proud to be able to please our women because that’s what a REAL MAN does!), but please, give us some slack!

 3. Don’t Stress Over Words

This is in connection to # 2. We guys say what we mean and mean what we say. When we say “I wanna be friends”, then that’s what we mean. Most girls think, “Oh, he wants to be friends with me, so he really wants to get to know me!” Worst thing, they hear it from their GIRLFRIENDS and not directly from the guy. Check the source of your info, ladies. Get it straight from the guys. As guys, we know how to make a point. If we like you, you’ll know. Trust me, you’ll know. Why? It’s because we will make sure to be clear about it and if there’s a guy who is NOT CLEAR about his intentions for you, he is not worth your time. You’re better off giving time only to the man who does not lead your heart astray! If he does one thing and yet says another, he is no less than a manipulator, a wimp, and a coward and he does not deserve you. Don’t be fooled if the guy you like (even as charming as Matthew Mcconaughy or good-looking as Tom Cruise), has an attitude equally comparable to  Quasimodo; he is no good. So take us at our words, at face value. Don’t over-analyze our intentions.

 4. Be His Eye Candy

I can’t stress this enough. Men are visual. We are so visual. We are so very visual. We are as visual as visual gets. Our visual-ness is 20 over 10. Get the point? Now, I’m NOT saying that looks are everything.The Bible says that your inner beauty and character is your number one priority and I agree with that but at the same time, your outer beauty is also a HUGE GIGANTIC VERY BIG SO IMPORTANT EXTREMELY ESSENTIAL factor as well. Let’s just be practical about this. Do you yourself want a man who is unkempt, dirty, unpresentable, and someone you would not want people to associate you with because of how he looks? Of course not! Ladies are visual too. I’ve met a dozen ladies who literally went gaga when they saw Daniel Henney in “Seducing Mr. Perfect” (which is actually a comedy film despite the title). As a married man, I love it when my wife makes sure that she’s groomed up—being my eye candy. I stare at her all the time and guess what? She likes it too! The more she does this, the more I enjoy buying her clothes (and what woman does not enjoy being given clothes from the guy who loves her? right?) So yes, I’m talking about investing. Invest in nice clothes. Invest in beauty products, in make up. If you think it’s unfair, it’s not. Guys invest in products as well to look good for their woman. You don’t believe me? Talk to my wife. I do what I can to look good for my wife’s eyes.

 5. Don’t Try To Change Him, Or Let Him Change You

You’re not God. You’re not the Holy Spirit. You’re not Jesus. So please don’t try to be. Trying to change a man to suite you is a recipe for heartache, similarly changing to become the person he wants is like the appetizer for one ‘heartache recipe’. It’s going to end BAD! When either of you tries to change for the other person, there is no sincerity in that relationship. There’s nothing genuine anymore. Your relationship will be based on pressure and an overarching FEAR of failing your partners’ expectations. Eventually, one, or both, is going to get tired pretending.

 6. Don’t Compete

Sometimes, girls find themselves in a situation wherein the man she likes has in his circle of friends a vixen! No, she’s not actually a vixen. She’s actually nice, friendly, sweet, pretty, warm, and just happens to be close to the guy. No wonder your eyes glare at her, considering her an antagonist in your quest. However, if this were a romantic comedy, you would most likely end up meeting her and really getting close to her, finding out that she’s not that bad after all. In fact, you are won over by her friendliness and you start thinking that it’s probably going to be better if ‘the guy’ and she end up together because they are perfect for each other. Then, you start to pull the high card and say that if you really love him, you’ll set him free and want him to be happy with the lady. This is just a possible comic film I imagine to concoct, but in reality  that’s really not the case, isn’t it? Most of the time, girls really do compete with girls. Everyone wants to be prettier, cuter, sexier, more liked, have better friends. This is familiar especially when a cutie hunk is up as a prize. The tip is really good–don’t compete. Don’t let insecurity (which is the reason in most cases) overpower you.. Don’t feel so threatened that the guy you like  seems to ‘fish on the other side of the boat’. In the first hand, you’re not hitched yet nor in a boyfriend-girlfriend mode so he still has the right to fancy other girls. Or perhaps the reason why he’s not making any move on you is because you’re not making yourself available to the guy. So again, do NOT compete. This will just sadly turn him off and believe me, a guy can sense if there is a competition among the ladies around him, and you don’t want your man’s head to “go large.”

7. Make Yourself Available!

Many girls, especially Philippine-culture-influenced-girls, are very shy. When guys ask them out, they turn them down by saying no. When guys ask them out with friends, they still decline. Or, they cling to their lady friends. Please, this is not role playing and we are not playing charades so stop pretending to be a car clamp! Ladies, if you want a guy to pursue you, be available. When you cling to other girls, you immobilize yourself and you make the other girls unavailable too. I see this all the time in church culture, even outside the sphere. Single men and women go out to watch a movie. All the girls suddenly flock together and form an impenetrable shield that not even Superman and the Incredible Hulk could get through. They just cling to each other and some girls even announce “Okaaay, all the girls here, all the guys there!” Ugh… If you ladies want to be found by your ‘Adam’, then don’t allow other females to swarm around you to make you unavailable. For all you know, your crush just might end up sitting right beside you while watching the movie, and share popcorn with you. And if you’re watching a guy flick like Transformers 3, he just might even whisper in your ear something like “You know, before Optimus Prime became a Prime, his name was Orion Pax.” Yes, you won’t REALLY appreciate the factoid about the robot that becomes a red 10-wheeler, but you WILL appreciate the thought that YOUR CRUSH WANTS YOU TO KNOW WHAT HE KNOWS. And when that happens, we go to number 8.

 8. Flirt

Ladies, here’s a tip: When a guy likes you, he’ll do something special for you or will treat you nicely. So if you like him, APPRECIATE HIM. One of the BEST ways to do this is to do “friendly flirting.” Yes, you read it right. Flirting. Is this even in the Bible? YES it is! Is this Biblical? YES it is! I did a seminar on this with a friend of mine, John Kherli, and one of my topics was “How to flirt.” I’m not talking about  seduction, I’m saying “FRIENDLY flirting.” Tap him on the knee and say thanks when he gets water for you. Smile at him and quickly look away when he smiles at you. Play with your hair. (No, don’t whip your hair like a shampoo commercial model, just twiddle a few strands with your fingers. Trust me, it DOES work on guys. Or you could do the cliche move of tucking a few strands of hair behind your ear.) These non-verbal gestures could actually make or break your dating and romance, and can save you both a lot of heartache, even spice things up. If you have more questions on this one, please feel free to write a comment.

 9. Tell Him What You Want (what you really really want)

Yes, I just quoted the Spice Girls… because in this area, they make sense. When dating, you should tell him what you want, like, don’t want, don’t like, etc. Most girls are shy in this. When guys ask, “What would you like for dinner?” girls say, “I don’t know. It’s up to you.” Then he buys something exotic for you like steamed sea urchins perhaps because he’s up to wanting you to try something with “culture” written all over it. Yes, you’re all for culture and being a “citizen of the world” but right now, you’re just not in the mood. So what happens? You won’t appreciate him, and in return he won’t feel appreciated. What happened was you just spoiled the mood for you both. So to be both safe and fun, just tell him what you want. If you want “Siomai sa Tisa” then tell him! “What if he won’t like it or he thinks that I’m too cheap?” Random thoughts come into your mind? Don’t worry about it and just be honest. For all you know, he will appreciate the fact that you’re not an expensive date and hopefully you won’t be an expensive wife. Or for all you know, he’ll find your candid and adventurous taste refreshing? So just be honest and tell him what you want, or don’t want, or like, or don’t like. If you and your guy won’t hit it off and click on some areas, don’t stress over it. They are usually not deal breakers in a relationship anyway.

10. Let Him Lead The Relationship

At this point, I can’t over-stress my point. The man is called to lead the relationship. The woman is called to submit. So please let him lead! For a man, nothing is more rewarding than to have a lovely and supportive woman behind him. It fills us with so much joy and gratefulness. Watch superhero movies and you’ll see that a woman is always behind the superhero, cheering for him and being there for him. Superman has Lois Lane, The Hulk has Betty, Ironman has Miss Potts, and Batman has Robin. Whoops, that last one was a joke. Batman’s different since he’s different-minded and is not called the “DARK” knight for nothing. But you get the point. For all of you feminists out there who are fighting for equality, guess what? We’re all equal already. We just have different roles. We men can’t give birth and you ladies can’t impregnate other women. We were CREATED by GOD to fulfill different roles and it is when you fulfill your role that you will find the most joy. As I lead my wife, I am filled with so much awe and joy and gratefulness. I am humbled and inspired. I am just so very happy when I think about how supportive and loving she is to me. In the words of Spiderman about Mary Jane, “She makes me feel weak and strong at the same time.” It’s true. There are times when my wife makes me feel like I can’t do anything without her and I can do anything if I’m with her. So ladies, let the man lead the relationship. You can help him by guiding him in the right direction sometimes, but do it in a way that lets him exercise his leadership. One example before I end. Instead of saying “Hey, we’ve been together for a month. When are we getting married?!” Try asking “Honey, you know I love you and I just want you to know that I’ll always support you in whatever God calls you to do. I just want to know where you see our relationship is heading?” If you say that, the guy will feel like you are such a good catch and if he wants to keep you forever, a ring offered on bent knee would be the best way to ensure that!