3 Things Pinoys Should Learn to Say More Often

By nature, Pinoys are non-confrontational people-pleasers. In some ways this is good, but most of the time, it’s very bad. So what I would like to do in this note is to “give permission” to my pinoy friends to say these 3 things to me, and by extension, I hope that my friends or readers learn to say these 3 things more often to others as well.

1. You Offended Me

Most of the time, pinoys have a hard time telling people that they were offended, so what do they do? They pretend that everything is fine, and then they gossip about the person who offended them. This is one of the main reasons why “frienemies” are born. Most pinoys need to learn to be more confrontational when necessary, so if I offend you, please let me know. I would appreciate your honesty, courage, and friendship by telling me directly instead of gossiping and backstabbing me.

2. No

Because most pinoys are people-pleasers, they can’t say no. They think that saying “no” is bad, or saying “no” is not what friends do, or is offensive. So what happens? They will usually always say “yes”, but again, this has a lot to do with honesty and learning to set boundaries. There’s nothing wrong with saying “no”. Just imagine: a person you don’t really like invites you to hang out with him and his friends who you don’t really like as well, in an expensive restaurant that you don’t like at all, but because you’re such a people-pleaser, you will end up accepting the invitation. So what happens? You’ll detest your evening, spend money you can’t afford to lose, and end up disliking these people even MORE, why? All because you didn’t have the courage and honesty to decline, and I bet that when you get home, you’re going to gossip about them. So please, just learn to say no, even to me.

3. I Disagree

This is an extension of number 2. Many pinoys are opinionated. The problem is that they don’t express their opinions to the right people. Hence, many pinoys are gossipers and backbiters. Sad but true. My solution? Learn to be honest and be courageous enough to be upfront about your beliefs, and respectfully “agree to disagree.” There was a point in my life wherein I decided to transfer churches because I no longer agreed with the teachings and theology of my previous church. For a time, people kept on pressing me about my reasons. I disguised it by saying “It’s a new season in my life that God is calling me into” or “I just feel like I want to try something new” or “I’ve prayed about it and I believe that this is where God wants me to attend.” Vague cliches like these tend to create more questions, and people naturally tend to assume things. So for a time, people treated me as if I was “in sin” or “betraying the church” or “not right with God.” Finally, I decided to find the courage to be honest. When people continued to ask me, I was honest and upfront, and simply said that I DISAGREED with the teachings and beliefs of the church. Most people respected my decision. Some insisted that I stay because transferring to another church, in their opinion, was tantamount to “betraying the church.” To them, I simply applied number 2. So hey, if you disagree with me on certain issues, let me know, and if I insist, you are always free to say no to me anyway. I sure do hope that you will also learn to be upfront about your beliefs, and to stand up for your convictions, especially when it comes to the people closest to you.

(NOTE: I’m not saying we should be rude. There are very many respectful ways to say these three. Just make sure that you are clear and accurate as you are respectful.)

Examples of saying the three sets of “words” respectfully:

1. “Dude, I’m not sure what you meant by what you just said, could you please clarify it for me because I found it offensive.”

2. “Sorry, but no I’d rather not. But thanks for the invitation. I really appreciate it.”

3. “I think this is one of those things that we can, as friends, respectfully agree to disagree on.”

Want to PRACTICE these three?

1. If you found this blog offensive, send me a message.
2. If you disagree with this blog, then send me a message or post a comment saying you disagree.
3. Then, I’m going to reply to you by intentionally insisting so that you have a chance to say no. 🙂

God Bless everyone!

(PS: I am pinoy.)